Music Snobbery

Top 5 Music Gag Gifts to Give This Holiday Season

A repost from last year....

Let's screw around with outrageous and pointless gifts to give your loved ones. I dare you to buy these things.

5. Christmas on Death Row: Suge Knight would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, mother fucker. You have Snoop Dogg throwing down "Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto". Don't take it for me, Amazon.com reviewers say: "Other than the amusement of soul interpretations of carols and Christmas staples including 'Silent Night' and 'Frosty The Snowman' - you know 'Music To Smoke An Ounce To After Your Turkey' - the majority of this is depressingly humorless. There are some great quotes, like the none-truer observation, "Christmas time is a time for chillin' ". But that's it." Look at poor Santa, he's in the electric chair. Available at dollar bins at used record stores.

4. Yanni Concert T-shirt. I was trying to think of which would create more of a laugh. I was thinking Creed, Spin Doctors or Semisonic (the one-hit wonders of "Closing Time"). Then I thought of Barry in High Fidelity and it was a clincher. The ironic factor of wearing this to a show in New York runs very high. It's so far bad that it makes it cool. It was like once when I saw Limp Bizkit perform on TV and Fred Durst was wearing an *NSYNC shirt. It was the boldest statement he's ever made. Yanni shirt is $10 on ebay.

3. Kevin Federline ticket stub: I was looking on his official website and so far, I don't see any official concert merchandise. No shirts, no posters, no buttons, no Von Dutch licensed hats. The boy is going to need it. Okay, quick side story. I know a girl who saw Sir K-Fed-a-Lot at a club over the summer and he was totally macking on her. She asks, "So, where's Britney." Him: "Yo, shorty. I don't know." There you have it. Ticket stub available on the sidewalk outside of the venues.

2. Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam: It will get loads of laughs in the room, just not from the recipient. It actually might work better as a bachelor party gift. A teen workout video with Alyssa Milano. Charmed, indeed. $9 on ebay. Unfortunately, not available on DVD yet. The video ranks just behind Mr. T's "Be Somebody, or Be Somebody's Fool" video in the racking of Ultimate 80s Motivational Videos.

I've never seen the video, but I remember the commercials on TV. This website has a complete overview.

If you want to crack up your coworkers, pass around the Amazon.com link and tell people to look at the "Customers who bought this item also bought". Before we get to No. 1, here's some YouTube Milano action. SAMANTHA!

1. Velvet Elvis: I'm surprised these aren't selling at Urban Outfitters. If they sell Schlitz and Old Milwaukee t-shirts, they've got to throw some love to the Velvet Elvis. It ties into the trailer trash, hipster chic that the Outfitters are known for. I'm partial to the fat, on the verge of death Elvis. $38 @ The Velvet Store. I'm hoping a velvet Johnny Cash will come into vogue in a few years. Even better, a velvet Vader.

Vineland Music Festival @ Menantico Colony: Haunted?

For a little bit, I've heard talk of a festival coming to Philadelphia, similar to the other big U.S. festivals. That would have been a major victory for the city, but this is Philly, they find ways to drop the ball. That goes for sports teams as well.

Enter Vineland, NJ, about 20-25 minutes from where I went to high school. Coming August 8-10 will be the Vineland Music Festival, three days of who knows what. My Bloody Valentine? Radiohead? Daft Punk? Bruce Springsteen? The Hooters? Cinderella?

From the Philadelphia Inquier:

Earlier this month, the Fairmount Park Commission tabled a vote on whether to grant a contract for a music festival to C3 or its competitor, Live Nation, the concert industry behemoth that owns Philadelphia-based promoters Electric Factory Concerts.

"It's unfortunate it worked out the way it did in downtown Philadelphia," Jones said [C3 partner Charlie Jones]. "When you have this type of investment, you can't keep waiting. We had to launch." ...

Though next summer's Vineland fest will take place a week after Lollapalooza, "this festival has nothing to do with Lollapalooza," Jones said. Nor will the wide-ranging and diverse rock show be themed as a "jam band" festival, as Bonnaroo was when it was founded in 2002.

It's likely, however, that the VMF, which will feature more than 100 bands (and come a week before the Philadelphia Folk Festival, in Schwenksville), will share some of the same acts that play Lolla and Austin.

This does sound like an exciting proposition. It also bring up visions of Field Day Fest, which was suppose to happen in Long Island in 2003. The permit was revoked, then it was moved to Giants Stadium, where it rained ... HARD ... all .... day ... long.

For me, I have family 20 minutes away, so I can sleep in a cozy bed and have breakfast ready for me in the morning. I ain't camping with all you suckers.

If this comes off and it's a decent line-up, then big ups for all involve. Score one for South Jersey, but this is Jersey, land of disappointment.

Be sure to read Weird NJ's article on Menantico Colony, which is supposedly haunted. Greeeaaaaat. It's probably an ancient indian burial ground.

Leftover Notes from Paris

Just a few things to point out from my time in Paris this month:

-- No secret that Justice is the big group that has come out of the Paris scene, mostly due to the innovative Ed Banger label. Although most of the releases are similar in vein -- that grinding, 80s Euro-disco/hip-hop -- it hardly boring. What I found was that French DJs like to mix those tracks with well-known 80s tracks. You'll hear something from DJ Mehdi or label founder Pedro Winter (Busy P) then a track from Pat Benatar or Scandal.

-- I made a point to find the rock venues La Cigale and Elysee Montmartre. It was easy because they are a few blocks away from each other on the Rochechouart. It's strange because it's located in the "tourist-y" area of the city. Imagine Bowery Ballroom in Times Square and you'll get my meaning. It's surrounded by a bunch of souvenir shops and junk stores. You go a few blocks north and you'll find Sacre Coeur, which offers a great view of the city.

-- The other main touristy area of the city, Champs-Élysées, has more of the nightclubs. I got my drink on with some Americans I met and found myself among the club goers trying to find some food at 2am on a Saturday night. The one place I found was next to Club Planet Hollywood. Yes, THAT Planet Hollywood and it was packed with people trying to get inside. I kid you not. The creperie didn't give me my change back, and that's how you stiff the dumb American tourist.

-- I didn't get a chance to see Parisian band The Plasticines when they came through New York. They are a fun, retro-garage rock/New Wave band from Paris, who sing in French and English. Their debut album, LP1, is out on Virgin in the U.K.

- A few recommendations for cool places to hang, have a few drinks, take in the local flavor. One is Au Petit Garage -- a very cool, laid back place -- you can find on the Jean-Pierre Timbaud. They play rockabilly, oldies and garage rock. Nearby is Cafe Jeanette, which was an 19th Century restaurant turned hipster dive cafe/bar, but retains its rustic charm and rough around the edge-ness.

-- That picture above is of a bear in a fig leaf -- your guess is as good as mine. It's for Orangina and there are others like it. Animals in sexy poses, that sells soda. The Metro ads are just weird. There was this one for a movie comedy called Les Deux Mondes (The Two Worlds) that followed me where ever I went. It haunts my nightmares.

-- It was pleasure to be in the city when Celine Dion released a new album. Aren't you jealous?

-- Finally, nothing like some local entertainment, as provided by the crazy buskers who ride the Metro. They come alive and amplified. Top 5 Musical Crimes Perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s...

Chantal Claret, Age 9 on The Oprah Winfrey Show

This is why Little Baby Jesus invented YouTube, so we can post precious video like this. As you know, Chantal Claret is the lead singer of Morningwood. As it turns out, she was the focus of this report done by Dame Oprah Winfrey, that profiled the state of the nine-year old child. "We've seen nine-years olds struggling with violence, abuse, divorce, foster homes, homeless, unraveling Fruit Roll-ups."

This clip works on so many levels. Even if I didn't know Chantal, there's plenty to soak in. One, the music that plays through the whole piece -- so melodramatic. The series of cuts about what she likes, "I've read books on Egypt ... My favorite opera is Die Fledermaus ... I've been to France and Dallas ... I like blood" mixed with that cornball music had my laughing hard. DOOOOOO DOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOO. HA! Oprah comes off as so pretentious in this clip. America, Oprah cares about Chantal.

Now fast forward to today. Here's Chantal as we know her. I'd like to see this on Oprah.

In Memorium: Kevin Dubrow

Mullets and dark-haired perms are at half-mast today in remembrance of the passing of Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin Dubrow. He may no longer be hard-rocking, but his metal health will continue to drive us mad forever. Girls, rock your boys tonight. Boys, rock yourself tonight.

I would like to pass along my favorite Quiet Riot cover, "Cum on Feel the Noize," as done by Bran Van 3000. The Oasis version would be in second place. This is my second BV3K reference this month, thus exceeding my limit.

The 2007 MusicSnobbery.com Gift Guide

You can count on one thing every year at this time, TV footage of people rushing into a Wal-Mart at 5am on Black Friday. Now, that's the Christmas spirit right there, trampling on your fellow man to save $5 on a Coby DVD player.

So while the jerks of America waste a day off, you can sit back with a cappuccino and your internet connection and buy these MusicSnobbery approved gifts for that music snob in your life.

The Brit Box: U.K. Indie, Shoegaze, and Brit Pop Gems of the Last Millennium: My good friends at Rhino have outdone themselves again with a primer on all things BritPop. While most of the songs you probably have in your collection anyway, it's the nifty packaging in a British phone booth that lights up that will peak your interest. With a smartly structured selection starting with the founders like The Smiths and Jesus & Mary Chain and ending with later acts like Rialto and Super Furry Animals, the box will convert you into a true Anglophile. I personally like the essays from Stephen Street and Alan Moulder.

Ramones - It's Alive 1974-1996: Also from Rhino comes a comprehensive career-spanning DVD set of rare live performances from back in the CBGBs and Max's Kansas City day. It shows a little bit of what it was like in the 70s NYC punk scene.

Daft Punk - Alive 2007: I guess if you want to be different, you have to name your live CD or DVD ALIVE, rather then LIVE. In any event, the second official live CD release finds the guys in their home planet of Paris where they scramble your brain with their influential catalog.

The Best Northern Soul All Nighter...Ever: I picked this up in the U.K., but you should be able to get reasonable price on ebay for this import. Virgin Records released this 2-CD set in 2001, but since expanded the set of party tracks that had Britons heading to the Wigan Casino. You can find Jackie Wilson, The Isley Brothers, Archie Bell and Gloria Love alongside some lesser known acts. It was a real ear opener for me, discovering some great tunes I'd never heard of before.

IPOD Cosy: About half my female friends are into knitting, so if you're stuck for cash and want to give the gift on yawn, try this pattern for an IPOD cosy. My wish is that somebody makes an IPOD case made out hard candy, so you can lick your IPOD. It's an ILolliPop!

Elvis Cologne: Who wouldn't want to smell like the King? Well, maybe not today, which would be like friend peanut butter & jelly and banana with bacon sandwiches and embalming fluid, but this discontinued scent will have you saying, "thankyoumame." Nothing says Merry Christmas like discontinued cologne that costs $175.

Frampton Comes Alive T-shirt: I was trying to think of a concert shirt that would combine hipster irony and kitchy humor -- similar to when Barry wears a Yanni shirt in High Fidelity. Low and behold, as I type this, a Geico commercial comes on with Peter Frampton. Problem solved. Your friends will be ALIVE with this Frampton Comes Alive t-shirt. I want yooooouuuuu, to show me the shirt. Day after to daaaaaaayyyyy.

1000 Record Covers: Taschen is my favorite book company. They make big, expensive gift books on every subject and they are not afraid to be controversial or outlandish. A $1,000 book on a porn star!? I personally own their 20 lb, $200 Stanley Kubrick book and a few of their bizarre postcard series of inexpensive books. The 1000 Record Cover book has everything you can think of from the iconic to the obscure to the WTF?

Pink Martini @ Le Grand Rex: Comment Magnifique

Leaving the lads and ladies of London behind, I traveled through the Chunnel for my second visit to Paris. Luckily, the stereotypical kids kicking the back of my seat was not a sign of things to come.

The real musical highlight of my holiday this year was seeing the pop/jazz/world music orchestra collective called Pink Martini. I had been brushing up on their catalog and wondering why I hadn't gravitated to them before. They blend and bend genres so effortlessly and with a sense of whimsical experiment that I bow to their musical tastes. Most of all, there's a sense of joy and adventure to their music that translates to their live shows.

The setlist:

• Bolero
• Tempo Perdido
• Anna (El Negro Zumbon)
• Sympathetique
• Lilly
• Taya Tan
• Flying Squirrel
• Amado Mio
• Cante e Dance
• City of Night
• Praeludium and Allegro
• Donde Este Yolanda
• Hey Eugene
• Dosvedanya Mio Bombino
• Hang on Little Tomato
• Una Notte a Napoli
• Clementine
• Malaguena
• ENCORE: Uskudar
• Brazil

As you can tell by their setlist, the group performs all kinds of world music in various languages -- Spanish, Portugese, French, Russian, Turkish and English. Some are covers, others are original works. Even though world music has high level of snobbery well beyond my powers, I enjoyed every one of the songs, especially the Latin and French numbers. With 12-16 musicians on stage, this is not some laid back affair. You have plenty of percussion, strings, piano, guitar and brass to keep the music popping. It's a real active experience with a high level of energy, sophistication and whimsy. Just that fact that I was in Paris, listening to great, well-performed music in a gorgeous theater made the night one for the ages.

Back to Pink Martini, the collective is the brainchild of pianist and Harvard grad Thomas Lauderdale of Portland, Ore. The man is well-versed in world music and arrangements. He was speaking in French to the sold out crowd, and then the crowd would laugh. I had to lean to my friend every time, "What is he saying?" Although, the focus of the band is on lead singer China Forbes, who gives the band its personality and hip factor. She wrote the catchy title track on the band's third album, Hey Eugene!. Among all the international covers comes this fun ditty about a song about life in the East Village of NYC.

My choices of gigs to see that Friday night were Mark Ronson or The Wombats, which would have been neat, but the idea of seeing an act 4,000 miles away that I can just easily see by taking the V train didn't seem right. Le Grand Rex is a knockout venue. It's a movie theater and concert hall in one. Keane and The Shins have graced its stage. It's holds about 2,800, probably because the seats are jammed close together. I don't think it was designed with 6ft. tall dudes. Anyway, the interior is made to look like it's outdoors on a clear, starry night in a French village. Obviously, the acoustics are impeccable.

So I made the right call with Pink Martini. They'll tour the U.S. next March, so I urge you to take a listen to them if you seek variety and a break for all the indieness of your music life.

Leftover Notes From London

Time to finish up my thoughts from my London trip with some quick bullet points.

-- There's usually an American band that makes a bigger splash in the U.K. before they get a bigger exposure in the U.S. This year, I noticed that Brooklyn's Yeasayer had a strong presense. I saw a few ads for them in store fronts and their debut CD featured alongside the popular acts at the Virgin Megastore and HMV. Today, they are opening up for Arcade Fire at their big London show. Then they come back to NYC with a show at Mercury Lounge on December 15.

-- FOPP is going strong in Convent Garden. It one of the few branches that survived the company's closure. HMV now owns the brand, but the prices still remain low. Well, low if you live in the UK. For us yanks, it's pitful how the dollar sucks. In any event, I was able to pick up the reissues of Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures and Closer at a reasonable price.

-- My favorite CD purchase was the Radio 1 Established 1967 2-CD set, which features 40 covers done by today's artists, one for every year. There are a lot of odd pairing but it works. Keane's take on Queen's "Under Pressure" and The Twang's reworking of Bran Van 3000's "Drinking in L.A." (whatever happened to them?) are some highlights and The Street's "Your Song" is an embarassement.

-- The Electric Ballroom in Camden Town is closing. Back in the day, Joy Division, The Smiths and Madness graced its stage. It's being demolished as part of a revamping of the nearby tube station. I've only been inside when the flea market was happening. It was dark, rough around the edges and dank, but you have to embrace the dank.

-- I'm still miffed that I didn't time my trip to see the BBC Electric Proms, but I did get to watch repeats on BBC2 in my hotel. It's like being there ... maybe.

-- Time For Heroes: The Best of The Libertines is available for purchase. You know, just in case you don't have all TWO albums they put out.

-- I picked up that NME Cool List with Frank Carter of Gallows on the cover. Man, that band is just well-beyond my comprehension. Sometimes, I just don't get it.

-- How lucky I was to see that Heather Mills breakdown on GMTV live. In the words of Chris Rock, "That bitch is crazy!"

-- You know what I like about seeing shows in London, they tell you when the band will be on and when it will be over. Because of the tube stations closing at around midnight, shows are done by 11pm. That's a novel idea that I wish New York would adopt because some of us have jobs they have to wake up for in the morning.

-- It's kind of morbid, but I found the place in Notting Hill where Jimi Hendrix died. It's 22 Landsdown Crescent, the Samarkand Hotel. You wouldn't know it was hotel unless somebody told you.

-- Finally, the Star Wars exhibit at Town Hall was nothing special. It was the same one I saw in Paris, where it was presented better.

Spiritualized/Simple Kid @ Apollo Theater

Friday night had me heading up to Harlem for a rare acoustic/string arrangement/gospel quintet backed version of Jason Pierce's Spiritualized. Reading up the Los Angeles gig, I knew it would be a low-key affair -- a lot to soak-in musically, nothing to look at stage. In fact, the opening act, Simple Kid, had more things happening on stage.

For the longest time, I've wanted to experience Spiritualized as it was on their Royal Albert Hall 1997 live album, which is one of my favorite live discs of all time. This show wasn't that.  It was a completely different experience, but I think the impact was there. The setting was perfect, as the Apollo Theater has had its share of soul and gospel acts grace its stage.

The setlist:

• Sitting On Fire
• Lord Let It Rain On Me
• True Love Will Find You
• Cool Waves
• Amen
• Going Down Slow
• Feel So Sad
• Soul On Fire
• Walking With Jesus
• Stop Your Crying
• All Of My Tears
• Baby, I’m Just A Fool
• Anything More
• Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
• Broken Heart
• I Think I’m In Love
• Encore: Lord Can You Hear Me
• Oh Happy Day

I think the setlist was specifically chosen to utilized the four piece string section, five woman backup singers, an organ and Pierce of acoustic guitar. I don't believe "Come Together" or "Anyway That You Want Me" wouldn't have been a little awkward, but J.P, you want to give it a shot next time, please do.

Basically, all of these songs are about salvation or redemption, and in this setting, you feel like your attending church. I just sat in my seat (in the second row, holla!) and let the music just wash over me. It was one of the most sedated shows I've ever seen, but with a wonderful emotional impact. I understand what Pierce was trying to do, pay homage to whatever guides your life and whoever you give praise to.

At the center is Pierce, who just walks on stage, sits down, does his thing, says thank you, stands up and claps his hand over his head while walking off. That's his thing -- a very nonchalant guy, letting the music speak for itself.

In all, a fine arrangement in the perfect setting made it a memorable experience. Now, he should come back, plug in and blow the roof of the joint.

Simple Kid was a nice little surprise, a funny singer-songwriter from Ireland who plays goofy songs with  a laptop as his backing band. He played a brilliant cover of Kermit the Frog's "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Back Again at the Rough Trade Shops

As per tradition, my visit to London would not be complete without a trip to the Rough Trade shop on Talbot Road.

It was a little daunting to get there this time around because a substantial movie was being filmed right outside the store. I'm walking up Portobello Road when I see film trucks that I'm use to seeing in New York. I see a few period costumes, I think from the 1960s and a few old looking fruit carts and what not. I guess was they were trying to do was recreate Portobello Road as it was in the 60s or earlier, since it's a big outdoor market. Whenever I encounter film crews, I just try getting out of the way and go about my business. The last thing I need is some intern with a headset yelling at me to be quiet. I find out later the film is about swinging London in 60s, ohhh behave!

I had to walk around the block to get to the store. I see Nigel and we exchange hellos and how are yous. He tells me that they are filming a movie called Hippie Hippie Shake and it stars Sienna Miller and Cillian Murphy. He laments that neither of them has stepped inside the store. After I make my purchases, I leave the store and Sienna Miller is right in front of me. I don't think she's much of an actress, but she's a damn fine looking woman. I walk away so that the photographers can get a clear shot of her. Apparently, Jude Law was on the set the day before visiting. In that photo, she's the one in the middle in the black jacket walking away. I wouldn't make a good paprazzi. That's my story.

Anyway, back to Rough Trade. They are the best taste makers in London, and here's what I walked away and what they currently recommend.

A Mountain of One: British prog rock is back on the U.K. scene with this five-piece experimental London collective. They bring a lot of dreamy soundscapes, lush arrangements and trippy guitars. Think Pink Floyd meets Air's The Virgin Suicides. They've collected a few EPs under one album called, errr, Collected Works. I've never been much of a fan of the genre, but this band does it smartly, without sounding like a Yes tribute band. Rough Trade calls it a "true magical spell, and one that is going to soundtrack many memories -- for a long, long time."

Bodies of Water, Ears Will Pop & Eyes Will Blink: I had go across the pond to discover a wonderful U.S. band. They hail from Los Angeles, the land of pretty people, In-N-Out Burger and Welcome to the Jungle. They remind me a lot of Tilly and the Wall meets Broken Social Scene for their big choruses and large-than-life sound. Their songs, like "Doves Circle the Sound," have drive to them. It's sounds like a band of horses are leading them through the great West. They opened a few dates for The Go! Team last month and if I was paying attention, they played Cake Shop in New York last Saturday. Darn. They also appear on Stereogum's Automatic for the People tribute album. See what I get for not reading Stereogum.

King Creosote, Bomshell: Kenny Anderson is back with his fourth album of modern folk tunes. This one is a little more peppier in tone than his other works. I've told friends that if you like Badly Drawn Boy, you'll cling to K.C. He was actually opening for KT Tunstall that night, but passed. I'm still hoping he makes his way state side.

Monkey Swallows the Universe, The Casket Letters: It's funny that Nigel was trying to find this for me, but I already had in my pile to purchase. I've written about this band before, but since then the album has come out and it's a sweet, sweet album of gentle folk pop songs. It's happy songs about feeling sad. Still no stateside plans for them.