Yeah, let's have some fun on a Wednesday night. The Grammys are a shit show of preposterous performances and self-indulgence. The Brit Awards are a little more tolerable, just for me, because the artists are a little more along my tastes -- some-what.
Last year, Blur received their Lifetime Achievement Award in awkward fashion by cutting into Adele's acceptance speech. Let's see what the show has up their sleeves this year.
This is also the one time of the year I watch Fuse. It's way down on the Xfinity TV grid. Obviously, this is broadcast on a tape delay. Not that it matters, who really gives a crap about the awards themselves? I just want to see a boob pop out or drunk acceptance speeches.
8:45pm: This is Muse. Yes, the Rush of this generation.
8:48pm: Let me tell you, if you are thin, remotely good looking chick and can play violin or a string instrument, you can find work in music. You are a rare commodity, thus you can find work backing up bands for award shows.
8:50pm: Hey, Bellamy, 1985 called, they want their 80s British pop band hair back. He must be hoarding all the mousse in England.
8:52pm: Last year, I didn't know who James Corden was. Since then, he's come the toast of Broadway for his Tony-Award Winning turn in One Man, Two Guvnors.
8:56pm: Do Brits really care about Taylor Swift? Do they hate her as much as America does?
8:58pm: The pride of Sunderland, Emeli Sandé, wins Best British Female artist. Paloma can now relax the rest of the evening and knock back a few.
8:59pm: Last year, the Brit Awards was where I first heard about the band One Erection, urrrrr, One Direction. Yes, now they are bigger than like, your mom, I guess. Apparently, Taylor Swift was dating all of them at the same time, but not any more. Awkward!
9:06pm: Robbie Williams' set design is going to give me a headache. For a recovering drug addict, he's looking healthy.
9:10pm: Bérénice Marlohe, how ya doing? Simon Pegg lost like a whole person. He looks gaunt.
9:12pm: I've come to terms with that fact that Mumford & Sons is the biggest band in the world. If I knew that back in the day I would have kept in contact with Marcus, and I could be his best friend in Jersey. He changed his cell phone number.
9:14pm: Apparently, Nick Grimshaw just woke up.
9:15pm: Ben Howard wins Best New Artist.
9:17pm: Dave Grohl says he's working on a new Foo Fighters album. If I liked Foo Fighters, I would care, but I don't. Ohhhh no, I don't bow to Dave Grohl.
9:18pm: Plan B, another UK artist I saw in 2006 when nobody cared who he was. Now, he's a big deal in the UK. He's up for album of the year.
9:23pm: Unfortunately, we Americans have to watch U.S. commericals. Five-Hour Energy is poison, kids. I had it once, it made me pee instantly.
9:25pm: Oh, Justin Timberlake. I don't know if he's promoting his new album or his product endorsements. You know, I just think his music hasn't evolved past his boy band past. There's no personality, all processed pop. Stick to acting, guy, although he was the one negative part in The Social Network. He's best at comedy. He should join the cast of SNL.
9:31pm: There's my girl, Paloma. She's great. I have a picture with her that just cracks me up everytime I look at it. You can tell we're both wasted.
9:33pm: That Hobbit-looking Ed Sheeran is presenting Best Male Artist to Ben Howard. Ed decided to wear pants this year. His album was made me want to wet my bed. Like, my penis went into my body-cavity while I was listening to it.
9:36pm: Tom Odell won the Critic's Choice. I was going to check him out when he played Pianos last month, but I went to Palma Violets instead. I choose wisely.
9:44pm: Sharon Osbourne's plastic surgeon should get an award at some point. She almost looks like that cat lady, Jocelyn Wildenstein.
9:45pm: This reminds me, since Lana Del Rey (pictured to the left) won Best International Female Artist. She wasn't nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys. I was wrong. Ohhhh, she lives in London, now. Feel free to stay there.
9:47pm: Yes, I would like to thank my readers for turning my life into a work of art. WTF?
9:49pm: I'm thinking One Direction has no idea who Blondie is. Their handlers probably said, "Hey, we wrote this song for you." And they said, "Oh cool!" Then they went back to sucking each other's dicks.
9:53pm: I have idea who these blokes are, but I took a tour once of the BBC studios and saw where Strictly Come Dancing was filmed. We know it as Dancing With the Stars.
9:55pm: I gave up on Coldplay a longtime ago. I have to admit this to you. I took a girl to Coldplay show during the A Rush of Blood to Head tour. We shagged afterwards. Then I decided it wasn't worth giving up my musicsnobbery cred to see Coldplay for a girl. Man has to have a code.
9:58pm: Speaking of Coldplay, there's this Kotex commercial on now. It's seriously disturbing. It's an old lady and a young chick talking about their periods. I give up.
10:01pm: Rizzle Kicks, Mama Do the Hump. Pardon me while I look that up.
10:04pm: My prediction for Adele, she'll be an EGOT.
10:05pm: My prediction for Taylor Swift, she'll be married seven times.
10:12pm: The Black Keys win Best International Band. They could not be there because Patrick Carney is busy trolling Justin Bieber fans. I would do the same thing if I was in his position.
10:14pm: While we are on commercial. let's watch Rizzle Kicks:
10:18pm: Ha, Corden is in the video. Cute, catchy song. Fun video.
10:20pm: Ben Howard is performing in front of a Laser Planetarium show.
10:23pm: Alt-J is being interviewed. The lead singer is painfully shy. Awwwww
10:25pm: Rafe Spall is presenting International Male. I just saw him in Life of Pi. RICHHHHARD PAAAARKEEEEER.
10:26pm: Frank Ocean wins. Somewhere, Chris Brown is sitting down and not giving a shit.
10:28pm: WarChild is recognized for their charity work. That Help! album is a must own.
10:37pm: Mumford & Sons take the stage. Here's the difference between the BRITs and Grammys. At the Brits, the acts perform on their own. At the Grammys, they make you perform with other artists to appease older viewers who don't bother listening to new music -- Elton John with Ed Sheeran, Black Keys with Dr. John.
10:45pm: I love how they always cut to nominees who didn't win, hoping they have some scandalous reaction. Looking at you Plan B.
10:48pm: I'm pretty sure they invented the Global Success Award so that One Direction could win something.
10:50pm: Corben is interviewing my new favorite band, Rizzle Kicks. I just like the word Rizzle, it's easy to rhyme. The guy is wearing my hat!
10:57pm: Emeli Sandé closes out the show. I guess they couldn't find any band to reunite and give a Lifetime Achievement Award.